The Amazing Diary of Indian Mole Aged 11

Read this blast-from-the-past piece inspired by Sue Townsend's cult book

If you’ve read Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole series of books, you will know where I am coming from. Her works are a series of diary jottings maintained by a boy who is aged 13 3/4th years… her later books talk about his notings in his adult years and so on. Here is my interpretation (written over two decades ago) of the Indian version of Adrian Mole on a variety of topics that are making headlines these days… have a laugh.

Feb 6, 7am

Tata flying fighter planes: Don’t understand why Ratan Tata chose to be the brand ambassador for F 16 and F 18 for free. He should learn a thing or two from Shah Rukh Khan. Atleast he charges an exorbitant rate and even has perfumes and watches named after him. And they call Tata a businessman. Beats me. Even a lowly pilot will charge a bomb for one sortie.

April 2, 3pm

Amitabh-Shah Rukh face off: I don’t understand how a lanky, 64-year-old can be a competition to a 41-year-old relatively shorter actor. Is there a comparison to begin with? Talking of competition, I see more promos of Amitabh’s movies on TV than of Shah Rukh’s. This could mean two things. Either Shah Rukh is lazy or he has fewer films. Did you ask, whom I prefer? No one. Shah Rukh is trying too hard on KBC. His humour is spontaneous sometimes, but most times, he comes across as a shameless fellow. If that is what he is in real life, it’s better if he sticks to acting rather than being himself on TV.

July 4, 8pm

Shilpa’s Big Brother win: Don’t understand how a failed Bollywood actress was even chosen in the first place. My friend chided me for that. He said shows like Big Brother are known for choosing B grade celebrities because they come cheap and are more game to such shows. Ignorant me. But I have one question? Her win doesn’t change her grade from B to A, does it? Isn’t it the public who decides that?

July 8, 11am

India’s world cup squad: The other day, I watched a panel of experts debate whether we have the right cricket team to win the world cup. After an hour, the experts concluded that the team wasn’t good enough. Such a waste of time. If they had only asked me, I would have told them. For corroboration, they could have asked any man on the street.

July 9, 10pm

Union budget: There seems to be an air of secrecy around the finance minister and his close-knit team that’s working on the Indian budget. Don’t understand the secrecy. My friend thinks the finance ministry is not shrewd enough. He suggests that the ministry leak debatable sections of the budget, gauge people’s reaction and then modify it before presenting the actual budget. I don’t understand him.

July 10, 5pm

Cyrus Broacha: Think I should replace Cyrus in The Day That Wasn’t on TV. I always believed that a better view often doesn’t need binoculars. But Cyrus appears to be shortsighted and missing the bush for the tree. How else can you explain this joke he made recently on his show? “Abell, 25, of Blue Springs was rushed to a hospital, where doctors removed a mobile phone that she swallowed to prevent her boyfriend from finding out who she had been calling. When asked. The boyfriend said, “I have no idea what the big deal is. I’ve been trying to convince her to swallow ever since we first met.”

Nov 10, 10am

Nokia: Just read in the papers that mobile phones cause rashes around the ear among people who are allergic to the nickel used in the metallic gadgets. I also read that one Nokia handset exploded while it was being charged at a shop dealing in mobile phones in West Bengal on August 31. Apparently, the handset was Nokia 1100 which had a B1-5C battery that is being recalled by Matsuhita Corporation. Hmmm… I have nothing to worry about, though. I am allergic to mobile phones and keep away from them. So no rashes and explosions for me. Sometimes, it pays to be cell-phobic!

Nov 20, 5pm

Salman Khan and Sanjay Dutt: Don’t understand the reasoning behind the release of Salman Khan and the imprisonment of Sanjay Dutt. For gawd’s sake, Salman killed an endangered deer species and he’s out on bail, but Sanjay, who merely possessed an AK 47 rifle for self defence has been asked to cool his heels in jail (he was released two months later). The criminal justice system really needs to be streamlined. The system just doesn’t understand the difference between confirmed death and perceived death!
PS: My condolences to the deer whose sacrifice went in vain!

Nov 25, 10.30pm

Ram Gopal Varma: My friend is happy-sad. He was happy that filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma has made a remake of the superhit 1975 Hindi film Sholay, but he is sad that the film has none of the fireworks showcased in the old classic. He must have just asked me instead of subjecting himself to a three-hour torture. How can the fire keep burning more than 30 years after it first came into being? Common sense is so hard to come by these days. Whew!

Nov 30, 11.30am

Sting operations: Don’t know what they mean by ‘sting’ operations. I have only heard of scorpios having a deadly sting, but all the TV channels were harping about a teacher forcibly asking girl students to get into prostitution. What is prostitution? Should be another form of institution. So where is the sting in this?

Dec 1, 9am

Yoga: Don’t understand all the fuss being made in Europe about how yoga promotes Hinduism. Unlike religion which promotes more fanaticism and bloodshed, atleast yoga only promotes health. If they really want to preserve their religion, let them ban all cigarettes, liquor, burgers and pizzas… after all, they need their race to live for atleast a hundred years to stand up and be counted among other religions. When most of their followers are dying by the day, what are they really fighting for? Beats me.